THE LATEST FoxNews column is up. Our subject today: the mercurial US writer Michael Moore, whose delicate, well-reasoned essays have contributed so much to the modern political discourse. Several examples of Moore's electric word-play are cited in the piece. As is often observed, the Algonquin Round Table was the poorer for not knowing him.

For a more lyrical assessment of Moore's life and work, may I recommend this study, by James Lileks? Yes, I may.

LOVE STORY star Ryan O'Neal is on what the NY Post calls a "48-hour death watch." He is gravely ill with leukemia – coincidentally, the same disease that terminated Love Story co-star Ali McGraw's character in the terrible movie.

Has anyone checked Al Gore's health lately?

KEN LAYNE is selling his novel in the US for the first time. Go here to discover some background details, or just send an email to books@kenlayne.com with a dazzling YES in the subject line.

You'll be glad you did. When Dot.Con was published in Australia last year, people who missed out killed themselves in the street.

Either that or Layne had them shot. I don't remember which. Buy your copy now!

AMERICA, as described by Jeff Jarvis: Up Over.

As opposed, of course, to Down Under. Think it'll catch on?

HAD a fun chat with Charles Adler on Canadian radio CJOB last night – well, this morning my time, at 3.00am. Charles is a big wheel in Winnipeg, and lively with it. He introduced me with AC/DC's Problem Child, from the Bon Scott era. The realAC/DC.

I was on to talk about last week's Fox column. Charles asked good questions. Of course, you'd expect nothing less from the ninth sexiest man in Manitoba. Thanks, Chuck!

THE WASHINGTON POST has Marion Barry's Oscar picks. Not among them:

Crack Hawk Down

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer, Stoned

Gosford Pipe

In The Bedroom, Where The Bitch Set Me Up

MOULIN ROUGE may be nominated for eight Oscar Madison Awards, but the Weekly Standard's David Skinner has his doubts about the Australian-made movie's worth:

"Here's my considered opinion of 'Moulin Rouge': It sucks.

"After the Oscar nominations came out, there were those other awards, you know, the ones that are supposed to predict the Oscar winners, and everywhere I looked this crapalicious pseudo-musical was being feted.

"It made me wonder if my hostility to the picture was rooted in ignorance. See, I haven't watched all that many musicals, so I decided to rent a few. And here's what I learned. It's not musicals that suck, it's only 'Moulin Rouge.'"

I've seen Moulin Rouge, too. Skinner is pulling his punches. Moulin Rouge sucks, blows, andbites.

KATE MOSS has announced that she is pregnant. The British supermodel is now eating for one.

THE SYDNEY MORNING HERALD is currently jittery about the possibility that several of its bureaus may be merged with those of its sister paper, the Melbourne Age.

Staff fear this would cause a loss of identity.

The mergers haven't happened yet, but the shedding of identity has already commenced. Yesterday the SMH ran a front page story about four-wheel-drives and a new Sydney fuel tax – in which the evil monster vehicles were described (in a headline, no less) as "Toorak Tractors".

Toorak is a wealthy Melbournesuburb. The SMH – based in a city with Australia's wealthiest suburbs, and more 4WDs than Melbourne – couldn't be bothered devising its own local phrase.

Possibilities might include "Balmain Behemoth", "Cremorne Canyonero", "Paddington Panzer", or "Life-Crushing Leichardt Landcow".

THE MYSTERY OF THE APOSTROPHE: Part 2,729,133 in The Guardian's ongoing series.

CONTINUED: WAYNE & SALLY & KELLI & ANTHONY

Add a couple of new names to the Australian football soap opera script: Melissa and another Anthony.

The Age today claims that the North Melbourne football club paid $15,000 to a woman named Melissa Tucker following an incident at a party involving Wayne Carey and a team mate, Anthony Rock.

And Anthony Stevens has succeeded Carey as captain of the club. He somehow found it within himself to praise Carey as the honour was announced.

"DON’T JUDGE AN AUTHOR BY HIS COVER" is the headline on this piece about stupid white man Michael Moore. In it, Moore is revealed (again) to be a loathsome boor. He supports this impression with an email to a "former fan" who wrote to convey his disappointment:

"dear former fan, glad you are former! 'casue i don't need any fans who would believe that scummy anti-union paper! that pr--k who wrote that column is best friends with the guy who was married to my sister and abandonned her and the two kids there in san diego. so f--k him, f--k you. everything he wrote was a lie, and i plan on taking action. mike"

Way to spell, Tubs. Actually, I think we canjudge Moore by his cover. Take a look; it shows Mike towering above an awed table of businessmen, who are staring in frank amazement at the gigantic hero's crotch. This denim-clad God must be equipped with reproductive organs the size of a bus!

Combine the genitally-fixated suits with the huge phallic object Moore is holding in his right hand and you've got a psychological case study that would weird out Sigmund Freud himself.

"From the beginning, the Federal Government treated it as an act of war by the boat people. Now, we're at war with Norway. From the beginning, the government acted with the overwhelming support of the Australian people."

SO wrote the Sydney Morning Herald's Margo Kingston last August. Since then, of course, thousands have died in the bloody Australian-Norwegian conflict.

Today the UN declared its position. No surprise; Kofi Annan's team is siding with the hated Norwayers. Well, we'll just have to add the UN to our eradication list.

WILY Darwin journalist Camden Smith covers a strange tale of politics, violence and urine in Australia's remote north:

"Northern Territory Chief Minister Clare Martin has banned Labor MP Matthew Bonson from playing any sport after his alleged involvement in a fight.

"Mr Bonson's sport ban follows his alleged attack on University Rebels teammate Ray Patrick after a basketball match last week.

"He is under police investigation over the incident.

"Mr Patrick alleged Mr Bonson challenged him to a fight during the game and the two had exchanged blows at the end of the match.

"Mr Bonson also plays football. Two months ago, he was suspended from playing football for two matches for urinating in public during a reserve grade game."

I used to share a desk with Cam at the old Truth newspaper in Melbourne. He's one of Australia's funniest writers. The NT News should give him a column.

STEP ASIDE, Jackie Harvey! Oscar maven Ken Layne delivers a crazy mass of Outside Scoop in today's Fox News column:

"Being Robert Altman: The famously unpleasant old director — a very wealthy 30-year veteran of making movies about the evils of Hollywood — came back swinging in 2002 with Gosford Park. It was a bold mystery movie, in that nobody could follow the plot or keep track of the look-alike characters. Somebody got murdered, meals were served, muddled conversations were had, and then the characters went home. Suspense has a new name: sleepiness. And did anyone notice Altman's clever new intellectual take on Hollywood? The movie-director character is a whining homosexual pedophile Jew! Wacky and liberal!"

THIS APOLOGY runs in today's Sydney Morning Herald:

"A letter to the Editor published on Monday under the heading 'Unionists might not be happy little Vegemites' incorrectly stated Mr Chris Corrigan had orchestrated a campaign of bashings and malevolence during the waterfront dispute, had been prepared to achieve his goals by violence and that dogs had been used to savage opponents. The Herald acknowledges that those statements were wrong. It withdraws them and apologises to Chris Corrigan for any hurt caused to him and his family."

This points to a big settlement from the SMH, should Mr Corrigan pursue matters. Pointing an even bigger settlement is the fact that the libellous letter is still online at the SMH's website. Unbelievable.

WHOA! There's a bigtime flame-o-rama in progress over at Plastic.com.

TIME FLIES when you're lying scum. Two years ago, Nigerian minister for women's affairs Hajia Aisha Ismail had this to say at a UN conference on women's rights:

"We have identified the obstacles and challenges facing us. More importantly, we have taken new initiatives to combat poverty, particularly among women. Equally we have taken important initiatives on violence against women. Practical steps have also been but in place to advance women and girls education and extend the frontiers of women's rights."

Those "rights" apparently include the right to have your head caved in by lunatics. While Hajia was speaking, Nigeria was preparing to embark on a wondrous journey towards Islam. Just two years on, this is where that journey has led:

"A woman convicted of adultery and sentenced to death by stoning by an Islamic court in Nigeria must wait a further week to know the outcome of her appeal.

"Harsh criminal punishments such as stoning, amputation and flogging have been introduced into the legal code in many of Nigeria's majority Muslim northern states over the past two years.

"But although amputations have been carried out, no-one has yet been stoned to death."

Not yet, anyway. So what is the United Nations doing about the Nigerian situation?

Oh, plenty. Last September, for example, at the World Conference Against Racism, the UN listened solemnly as Nigeria demanded that the West apologise for its role in the slave trade.

This will be of great comfort to Safiya Husseini, the poor woman who faces death by rocks.

Where the hell has Mary Robinson been on this issue? A search seems to indicate that the (soon-to-be-ex) UN High Commissioner for Human Rights hasn't said a single word about Safiya's case. Not a single fucking word.

It's not as though Robinson has ignored Nigeria. In 1998, she mentioned the country as one that "wonder[s] why power and wealth are reserved for so few."

Meanwhile, poor Nigerians can't even afford a decent set of killing stones. Please, Mary. Help them to help themselves.

TOLD YOU today's kids are cool. According to Emily Wax in this morning's Washington Post, hip teens have adopted terror talk:

Their bedrooms are "ground zero." Translation? A total mess.

A mean teacher? He's "such a terrorist."

A student is disciplined? "It was total jihad."

Petty concerns? "That's so Sept. 10."

Out-of-style clothes? "Is that a burqa?"

Girls might say a boy is "firefighter cute" instead of the more common "hottie."

MEMO to the VodkaPundit: here's a fun new drink that's all the rage! Vodka is sooooyesterday!

"The captain of a Russian fishing boat which allegedly poached Patagonian toothfish from Australian waters has died in hospital, more than three weeks after drinking cleaning fluid mixed with orange juice.

"The man had been critically ill and in a coma since drinking the potentially lethal cocktail during a binge with two other Russian nationals aboard their detained vessel, the Volga."

RANDOM SUZUKI ENCOUNTERS, part III. This online forum – forwarded by blogger Marc Weisblott – features several first-hand accounts of outrages committed by buglike envirowarrior David Suzuki:

Many years ago, said Suzuki phoned my office.

"He's not here, can I take a message?" I politely asked.

"Yes, tell so-and-so David Suzuki phoned."

"Ah," said I. "David Suzuki, the TV star."

"No," he hissed. "David Suzuki, the scientist."

Being a typical scientist, Dave recently appeared on Canadian television:

"Suzuki was on the Vicki Gabereau show a couple of weeks ago.

"He was going on and on about how profits should not be what drives society, then as they were coming to an end to the segment, without missing a beat Vicki and Dave combined to flog his new book.

"Are his books free, or something?"

No, just worthless. Another poster offers this:

"I hear he only flies on solar powered jets."

REFUGEES would never throw their children off boats, would they? I mean, the idea is laughable, not to mention offensive. Besides, there is no evidence.

So this story in today's Sydney Morning Herald should be ignored. It is obviously wrong:

"Italian navy gunboats today escorted a stricken ship carrying some 1,000 illegal immigrants, mainly Kurds, into port in Sicily after desperate asylum seekers threatened to throw their children into the sea.

"The Italian authorities said some of the illegal aliens and members of the crew had threatened to 'throw their children into the sea' to prevent the ship being boarded."

RANDOM SUZUKI ENCOUNTERS, part II: Bruce R. from Flit has met the famed eco-whiner. His story:

"I have no doubt your David Suzuki streetside encounter story [see below] is true. I ran into Mr. Suzuki myself at once, in a highway Burger King a couple years ago. I walked over to tell him I really liked his TV and radio work on CBC (It wasn't all bad, especially in his pre-crusading early years, when he was kind of like a one-hour Discovery Channel). He treated me rather like I imagine people in olden days treated lepers. Now, admittedly, I was in an army uniform at the time, but still ..."

WAYNE'S WORLD. The Wayne & Sally & Anthony & Kelli dispute continues. In today's turgid episode:

Will Wayne move to Brisbane? Rumours say he will, but Wayne's manager laughs at the idea.

Please let Wayne return to his old team, begs Australian football icon Ron Barassi.

Wayne has commenced skulking, with a little disconsolate shuffling thrown in.

The Wayne-Jeter connection: on the very same day that Wayne's team mates threw him out of North Melbourne because of his non-wife sexual adventures, the New York Yankees cut outfielder Ruben Rivera for stealing shortstop Derek Jeter's glove and selling it to a sports memorabilia store. No word yet on any Wayne-Kelli souvenirs.

How are Wayne's former team mates coping without Wayne?

PROVING that good journalists can cover any subject, from the Indy 500 to war zones, Car and Driver's John Phillips spends some time with US troops in Kosovo and returns with a terrific piece:

"The enduring problem with Kosovo — apart from 40 years of communism, 10 years of apartheid, a year of ethnic cleansing, and 78 days of punishing air strikes — is that most of its inhabitants want to kill one another. Serbs, Albanians, Croats, Macedonians. If they can't get at each others' jugulars, there are always the Muslims — of any ethnic stripe — and if that fails, there are always the pitiful Roma, also known as Gypsies, whom no one pays attention to and who don't fight back, making them perhaps the best enemy of all, at least in the absence of Minnesota Lutherans."

Read the whole thing. Be especially alert for US serviceman Salazar, whose affection for and knowledge of the region's mutts is astonishing.

RADICALS FOR RULES. The anti-globobos in Spain continued their protests even after the EU summit had ended. According to CNN, the paella commandoes "threw Molotov cocktails and fired small incendiary devices at police and broke windows of banks and other businesses in downtown Barcelona."

They also carried banners bearing the slogan: "Against A Capitalist Europe". There is no such thing, as Sweden's representative complained during the summit, pointing out that it costs four times as much to establish a business in Europe as it does in the US.

Which is precisely what our idealistic young anti-globs are fighting to maintain. What do they want? Over-regulated and burdensome taxation regimes, run by hidebound bureaucracies!When do they want it? NOW!

These anti-freedom monkeys are strange inheritors of the 1960s protest tradition. Hippies hated rules (or so they said); the anti-globs want rules for everything. They're a whole different breed of idiot. Witness how protests have changed over the past 25 years:

1967: Give peace a chance

2002: Give police states a chance

1967: LSD is good

2002: Genetically modified food is bad

1967: Ban the bomb!

2002: Ban the burger shops, shoe makers, crop scientists, coffee stores, trade, business, and commerce!

1967: Think global, act local

2002: Think local, act anti-global

1967: Expand your consciousness

2002: Throw rocks

Remember the film "Joe"? It was Susan Sarandon's first movie. She played a hippie whose junkie boyfriend got iced by Sarandon's uptight businessdude father. Mr Conventional American then forges a hippie-hating partnership with violent, foreigner-hating, uneducated, blue-collar Joe, played by Peter Boyle.

If the film were to be remade today, the counter-culture characters would be in Joe's corner.

WONDER if Jeff Gordon's marriage crisis will draw the same media attention in the US as Wayne Carey's has in Australia …

"The unofficial first couple of NASCAR is headed for divorce court. Brooke Gordon, the wife of four-time and defending Winston Cup champion Jeff Gordon, filed the papers in a Florida court on Friday.

"The Palm Beach Post reported that the marriage was 'irretrievably broken as a result of the husband's marital misconduct.'"

DUBYA might sometimes struggle with words, but I bet he can spell "Ashcroft".

PHIL from California finds a upside to the Wayne Carey debacle. He writes:

"Reading the Wayne Carey items on your site and others, I must comment that it
made me realize that we no longer have what you have: local sports teams largely comprized of locals whose families the average fan is at least passingly familiar with.

"These days, Americans are lucky if even one local is on one of our city's sports teams. Our teams are largely made up of athletes from anywhere-but-here who may well be traded elsewhere tomorrow. I know that Australians hate hearing visiting Americans say things like 'this is just like when I was a kid', but this is.

"Mr. Carey reportedly had an affair with a teammate's wife, which undoubtedly
caused much pain for him and everyone else involved. Admittedly a regrettable situation, but I would submit better than the drugs-murder-drunk driving affairs our professional athletes tend to get involved in. I think the fact that the residents of Wagga Wagga (I'd make fun of the name, but we have a Walla Walla) are so interested in the affair speaks volumes for the difference between your society and ours. Here we'd just shrug and think 'pampered overpaid self-absorbed boys will be boys' and turn to the next page in the sports section.

"One more thing. I note that Mr. Carey has a manager named Richard Nixon. The phrase 'Would you buy a used footballer from this man?' leaps immediately to the American mind."

MONEY FOR SPAM. The kind folks at Emailwebonline have advised me that unless I pony up $107.80, my email address will be deleted from their "national directory website":

LISTING ADVICE NOTICE

Our listing department has advised that your organisation's email details which now appear nationally on the emailwebonline directory website http://www.emailwebonline.com have presently not been approved for listing. Below are your current details which have previously been listed complimentarily. If these are suitable for listing please confirm online within 7 days to avoid potential deletion of your entry. We trust this does not cause any inconvenience.

EMAIL DETAILS: trblair@ozemail.com.au

(Please check your current details left and amend or add where necessary by clicking the confirm details online button below. Inclusion $98.00+ $9.80 GST = $107.80)

Please Note: We would also like to advise if you require a direct link we are now providing email/web links free of charge. Your additions or alterations can be made to the above details but must be returned within 7 days by completing the confirm details online section. This is not an invoice please do not send any payment when returning. Invoicing will be subsequent only to the correct return of the confirm details online section. Please click the "Confirm Details Online" button below and complete details where necessary.

What a scam. Wonder how many people fall for this …

CONTINUED: WAYNE & SALLY & ANTHONY & KELLI. The latest inside word:

That doomed party, where the Wayne and Kelli scandal was finally revealed? Here are all the juicy details!

Wayne's ex-friends try to rebuild their lives, so they can play football.

Contrary to earlier episodes, Sally now decides to shun Wayne!

Wayne's eyes are still being wept from their sockets. Meanwhile, Sally's father has gone fishing.

An ex-footballer declares: Wayne must be avoided!

How much precious money will Wayne lose?

Please, pleads Wayne's former coach, can we all get over this?

Other people have been involved in Wayne-ish scandals, according to reporters who really don't know the true depths of Wayne's horror.

A Mystery Woman from The Past emerges to say Wayne deserves his hideous fate!

The Mystery Woman's father says Wayne put his girl through hell.

RANDOM DAVID SUZUKI ENCOUNTERS. Reader Kathy S. met the compact, high-revving envirodoomster in Toronto 17 years ago. It was a life-changing experience. Her report:

"Back when I was young, stupid and still a leftist, we held a demo on one of
Toronto's busiest corners. Against NATO using Canadian native territories as
bomb-testing grounds, I think.

"Now, David Suzuki is hard to miss, if you're a Canadian with a TV; hell, we
don't have many celebrities. So I spotted him at a distance and watched him
purposely turn in our direction, mid-traffic. We all (in our twenties, real
idealists, standing there getting insulted by passers-by) got all pumped up,
thought, wow, it's Suzuki. He's comin' over to pat us on the back ...

"What he said was: 'You're all wasting your time. The planet is doomed.
Nothing you ever do will make a difference.'

"Then he walked away.

"Well, that was around 1985. We're all still here. He's even richer. And that
encounter was one of the little moments that eventually turned me against
the Left.

"Today I had a huge public argument about the war, Bush, etc with your
typical (that is, under a shrink's care. No, really ...) Toronto Leftist.
Horrified that anyone within the 416 area code would dare espouse such
pro-war sentiments, she said, 'What happened to you?'

"If only I'd thought to reply: 'David Suzuki.'"