TRANSLATION-O-RAMA! David Penberthy's Australian-language version of the case against Saddam inspired many translation attempts, including several rendered in regional US dialects. We begin with Scott Wilcox's relatively straightforward take:
The President was asked whether Australia is part of the coalition of the willing. My oath (damn right) we are. We're as willing as buggery (fucking right we are). As billio (sure thing). We're as willing as all get-out (sure thing).
That said, we are not yet dead-set for a stoush (fight), and still believe that an honest yarn (the truth) can sort out this barney (fight) - but only if Saddam is true blue (tells the truth) about it.
We see little point, however, in adopting the shirt-lifting (weak) position taken by some of the continentals.
France and Germany are an absolute cotcase (sick and hopeless), a hopeless bloody rabble (bums). This is hardly surprising, as both nations have well and truly got the runs on the board in the showpony (all show, no go) stakes.
Many of you will be familiar with my colleague Alexander Downer and his doctrine of the busted-arse (defeated) countries.
Today I expand that doctrine to include another category - the up-themselves (conceited) purse-swinging (poofda) states of Western Europe.
The Frogs (French), with their history of having a bob each way (betting on each side), only to bludge (cop out) their way out of strife (trouble), and the Krauts (Germans), who brought us the maddest bastard and biggest dust-up (fight) of the 20th century, but come the raw prawn (slap) in the face of a comparable global shemozzle (fuck up).
To the Europeans I say - fair suck of the sav (suck my dick). Unless you lift your game (start doing better) - and quick smart (right now) - you will be found standing, dacked (pants down), before world opinion.
In the coming donnybrook (fight), I would also stress that we have absolutely no worries (no problems) with the Muslim peoples of the world.
Reader Phil translated Penberthy's piece into Texan rather than pure English, "because fewer things have to be changed that way":
The President has asked whether Australia is part of the coalition of the willing. Damned straight we are. We're as willing as a drover in a cathouse. As willing as a bitch dog in heat. We're as willing as all get out.
That said, we are not yet dead-set for a knock-down and drag-out, and still believe that some straight talk can sort out this goat-fuck, but only if Saddam drops the bullshit.
We see little point, however, in grabbing our ankles, as some of them Yurpeens have.
France and Germany have gone tits up, as hopeless as chickens with their heads cut off. This is hardly surprising, as both nations have dogs in the trophy hunt.
Many of you will be familiar with my colleague Alexander Downer and his doctrine of busted-ass countries.
Today I expand that doctrine to include another category - the pussified states of Western Europe who think they hung the moon.
The Frogs, with their history of fence-straddling, only to skedaddle away with a picket up their ass when it comes to a scrape, and the Krauts, who brought us the craziest bastard and the biggest dust-up of the 20th century, but when faced with a comparable global shit-storm try to tell us that the turd in the punchbowl isn't there.
To the Yurpeens I say - fair warning. Unless you pull up your socks - and right quick - you'll find your ass hanging out in the face of world opinion.
In the coming donnybrook, I would also stress that we have absolutely no beef with the Muslim peoples of the world.
From Michael Totten:
The President was asked whether Australia is part of the coalition of the willing. Damn straight we are. As willing as horndogs in heat.
That said, we are not yet locked and loaded, and still believe some back-room deal might be struck - but only if Saddam cops a plea.
Many of you will be familiar with my colleague Alexander Downer and his doctrine of the ass-kicked nations.
Today I expand that doctrine to include another category - the heads-up-their-ass walking-victim states of Western Europe.
The cheese-eating surrender monkeys, with their history of giving blow-jobs to the enemy, only to be bailed out by their parents, and the Krauts, who brought us the Prince of Darkness and the biggest cluster-fuck of the 20th century, are now half-baked yellow-bellies in the face of a similar world-wide hairball.
To the Europeans I say - stick this in your pipe and smoke it. Unless you get your shit together - like yesterday - you'll be riding to work on the special bus.
Beth Blighton sends a particularly graphic version:
The President was asked whether Australia is part of the coalition of the willing. Damn straight! You bet your ass! We'll be there, balls to the wall with ya, baby!
That said, we are not spoiling for a fight. We do not yet have blood in our eye. And we still believe that with some straight talk, we can pull everyone's asses out of the fire on this one -- but only if Saddam will climb off the back-end of that goat and get serious about this disarming thing.
We see little point, however, in adopting the "I'll bend over, just don't do me dry!" position taken by some of the continentals.
In the coming dust-up, I would also stress that we have absolutely no problem with the more peaceful camel jockies of the world. The rest...? HOO-AH! Your ass is glass!
Out of Bonney Lake, Washington, comes Tim Smith's middle-class West Coast translation:
France and Germany are a joke. Their lame opinions are hardly worthy
of comment since Saddam's undies were found in their glovebox.
I want to expand Alexander Downer's doctrine of "the busted ass"
countries to include another category: "the faggoty head-up-their-own-asses
irrelevant countries" of Western Europe.
The French traditional policy of kissing ass with every tin pot
dictator they meet, then giving the finger to those who liberate them. and the Germans, whose long history of pacifism and tolerance gave us Hitler
and genocide, have once again shown their true colors by working
overtime to stick a knife in the back of those who wish to protect them.
To the Europeans I say - unless your testicle transplant arrives by
FedEx today - you'll be left scratching your ass and gumming your food
while the rest of the world looks on and laughs.
Let me emphasize that our war is not with the vast majority of Muslims but with those contemptible bastards who have mistaken barbarism for works of righteousness and equate tolerance with permission to incinerate innocent women and children.
Ken Summers employed the services of friend Cletus, who has seen all three Crocodile Dundee movies and is therefore his region's leading Australian-language scholar:
We're as willing as buggery. [Unclear, appears to mean "happy to shove a missile up his ass"]
As billio. [Untranslatable]
We see little point, however, in adopting the shirt-lifting position taken by some of the continentals. [Appears to refer to the French custom of running a white shirt up a flagpole in lieu of a flag]
Unless you lift your game – and quick smart [Translator burst out laughing and ejected beer out his nose, apparently from the use of "quick" and "smart" in reference to Europeans. Translation process interrupted for several minutes]
You will be found standing, dacked, before world opinion. [Uncertain. "dack" = "noose"?]
Jim Rome is, according to Dave Schipani, the most popular syndicated sports-radio host in the States. Here's Dave's Romese variation:
Thanks for the vine. So dude asks Pimp-in-the-Box-in-Chief if the Aussies are rolling with this crew. Hell yeah. Damn straight. We got your back. Already got some SAS red-asses ready to pop Saddam in the grill. See him talk smack while he's spitting out his chiclets.
I mean, we're not so jacked for throwing down that we won't listen if he drops the smack and starts keeping it real. Doesn't mean we're going to roll over like the French and the Germans.
What is up with that? What, France hasn't had enough of Germany after three bitch-slappings? Now they wanna be tight? Can France not wait for the Germans to start another war with them before they collaborate? "Gee, Jacques ... it's been, like, 50 years since we surrendered to the Germans. What should we do?" "Uh, I dunno, Pierre ... can we just bitch up now?" "Sweet!"
Gotta gave France its props, though. They're the Orenthal of countries. They can lop off a couple domes and still end up on the golf course looking for the "real killers." And the Nazis can roll up sick numbers on their neighbors – twice, like Rosie O'Fat in a donut factory – and then make like freaking Gandhi.
Europe - SACK UP. As far as Muslims go – hey, we're good. Out!
Joseph Latino's fine translation can be boiled down to two tasty paragraphs:
The less significant these weasel nations become, the more desperate they are to assert themselves, even to defend a fascist theocracy that would destroy them.
If you bastards are not going to help, then get the fuck out of our way. Europussies.
New York City's Brian Dalton be baaaad, yo :
Prez be all like: you down? you my nigga? And I'm all Hell Yeah. Down wid a discount. All that and a dimesack. And a payback. Holla. Check it: all y'all gots to reckanize the way 'round throwin' down: sucka m.c Saddam gotta step up. But punk-out on the frog-tip? Ain't going out like that. (word)
Word. Peter Faris ran Penbo's piece through a web translator, first into Italian then into English, to deliver these results:
That it said, we is not dead series for a stoush, and nevertheless believes that a honest thread can separate this barney but only if Saddam is true dark blue of it.
To the European one I say just succhia of the sav. Unless she lifts its game and swift intelligent she will be found to stand, dacked, before world.
Pancho admits to spending a brief time in Australia during his younger days ("I was mostly drunk"), and retains some comprehension of Aussie phraseology:
The President was asked whether Australia is part of the coalition of the willing. My oath we are. We're as willing as buggery.
Australia has a prime minister who is willing to fight terror and Aussies are prepared to perform strange sex acts to show their support for him.
That said, we are not yet dead-set for a stoush, and still believe that an honest yarn can sort out this barney – but only if Saddam is true blue about it.
War can be averted, but Aussies will not eat Iraqi "stoush" to achieve it, and this depends on Barney who knits.
We see little point, however, in adopting the shirt-lifting position taken by some of the continentals.
France and Germany are an absolute cotcase, a hopeless bloody rabble. This is hardly surprising, as both nations have well and truly got the runs on the board in the showpony stakes.
French women are showing their tits for peace, but are unorganized and besides they look like nags.
The Frogs, with their history of having a bob each way, only to bludge their way out of strife, and the Krauts, who brought us the maddest bastard and biggest dust-up of the 20th century, but come the raw prawn in the face of a comparable global shemozzle.
The French are basically cowards and the Germans only like wars that they start over seafood.
Peter Murray has Australian in-laws. He writes: "I can understand them through the first through third drinks, inclusive. After that, all bets are off." His translation, with altered terms in caps:
The President was asked whether Australia is part of the coalition of the willing. WE WISH TO AFFIRM MOST STRENOUSLY THAT THIS IS THE CASE.
That said, WE HAVE SOME RESERVATIONS ABOUT THE AFFAIR, and still believe that DIPLOMACY MAY STILL BE POSSIBLE - but only if Saddam is TAKING HIS MEDICATION.
We see little point, however, in adopting the SPINELESS position taken by some of the continentals.
France and Germany are ACTING IN AN INSENSIBLE FASHION. This is hardly surprising, as both nations have LEADERS WITH OBTUSE MOTIVES AND CYNICAL APPROACHES TO GOVERNANCE.
Many of you will be familiar with my colleague Alexander Downer and his doctrine of the INEFFECTUAL countries.
Today I expand that doctrine to include another category - the INTENTIONALLY INEFFECTUAL OR EXTRA-STUPID states of Western Europe.
The Frogs, with their history of INTERNATIONAL ANTAGONISM, only to RENEG ON THEIR OBLIGATIONS OR SURRENDER AT THE FIRST SIGN OF TROUBLE, and the Krauts, who brought us HITLER and the biggest DECLARED WAR of the 20th century, but TURN HIPPIE WHEN THEY SEE THEIR OWN NATIONAL NIGHTMARE APPEARING SOMEWHERE ELSE.
To the Europeans I say - I AM IRRITATED BY YOUR STANCE. Unless you CHANGE YOUR POSITION - IMMEDIATELY - YOU FACE ULTIMATE IRRELEVANCE AND INTERNATIONAL HUMILIATION. EVEN PARAGUAY WILL MOCK YOU.
In the coming STRIFE, I would also stress that THIS IS NOT A WAR ON the Muslim peoples of the world.
Excellent, and very accurate. Thanks to all who answered the call.
