2.22.2003

TODAY'S EDITORIAL in The Australian:


Like this newspaper, the Prime Minister has previously stressed that the demonstrations underlined Australia's precious freedoms. There is no inconsistency whatever between that and his comment on Thursday that the protesters are "accountable for their actions". Since when does the right to protest carry with it the right not to be criticised for protesting?

The Viet Cong took heart from a disunited West, and so will Hussein: this is an observation of fact, not a debating point. No wonder Hussein commented, after last weekend's protests: "The pioneering and humane positions expressed through the demonstrations should be viewed with esteem and kindness."

If anti-war activists are amazed at such a conclusion, then they must have been equally amazed by the response to the protests by an Iraqi refugee, writing in The Australian on Thursday: "I was watching TV on Sunday and I felt the most miserable person on the face of the Earth."

SHAUN CARNEY in the Melbourne Age:
 


In accusing the marchers of providing comfort to Saddam by exercising their cherished democratic right to free speech, the Prime Minister must believe there is little or no political downside ... But why did the Prime Minister make his job even harder by insulting them?



Howard is routinely accused of pandering to the electorate. When he blatantly doesn't, his political acumen is questioned. Happens all the time.

By the way, I caught up with the PM on Thursday night, about which there will be more in next week's column for The Bulletin. This is how meetings with heads of government commence in Australia:

TB: How're you going, mate?

PM: I'm going well! How are you, mate?

SEND CASH, NO
CZECHS:


A notorious e-mail scam has resulted in the murder of a Nigerian diplomat in the Czech Republic.

Fifty-year-old Michael Lekara Wayid, Nigeria's consul in the Czech Republic, was shot dead by an unidentified 72-year-old Czech at the Nigerian Embassy in Prague on Wednesday.

ONE WEEK after running 428 words of Michael Moore mush, doomstruck Sydney Morning Herald howler monkey Alan Ramsey hits us with 987 words from ex-Klansman Robert Byrd. Ramsey hails Byrd's craptalk as "political speech-making of the highest quality and courage".

Lazy old Al. His SMH cellmate Margo Kingston already published B-B-B-B-Byrd is the Word eight days ago.

MIKE CARLTON examines the Bush heavyweights, and concludes:


Of them all, Rice is the scariest. Chevron Oil named a supertanker after her. Dripping with Ivy League degrees in international relations, an accomplished classical pianist, speaking elegant French, monumentally self-assured, Condy knows everything and nothing. It is utterly beyond her comprehension that the citizens of Baghdad might not welcome a cruise missile arriving in the upstairs bedroom as the instrument of their liberation.


Condoleezza Rice knows nothing? Big call, Mike. She at least knows that the diminutive form of her name is not “Condy”, but Condi.

UPDATE. Reader Brian Hoffman writes:
 


While there's no doubt that Condi Rice is a hell of a lot smarter than Mike Carlton (it is utterly beyond his comprehension that the citizens of Baghdad might not welcome empty platitudes from comfortable Western leftists), Rice does not have any Ivy League degrees.
 



Brian includes this information from Rice's Stanford bio (Stanford is not an Ivy League institution):


Rice enrolled at the University of Denver at the age of 15, graduating at 19 with a bachelor's degree in political science (cum laude). She earned a master's degree at the University of Notre Dame and a doctorate from the University of Denver's Graduate School of International Studies.



So where did Mike get the idea that Condi was "dripping with Ivy League degrees"? As well, Lloyd Petre writes to point out that the Condoleezza Rice is now the Altair Voyager.

JUAN GATO is the star of tonight's Blogger Bash IV in sunny Kirkwood, MO. We now cross to our live interview with Juan, already in progress:


JG: ... and that is how the errors in Atlas Shrugged point us to the solutions for world peace. But you wanted to ask me some questions ...



TB: I've got them written down in front of me. If you were a tree, what woodland creature would you most like to fall on?


JG: Definitely a tree sitter and her supporters trying to preserve me. That or a forest kitten.



TB: Nature is the enemy. As a person whose background is slightly short of Kennedyesque wealth, how come you're not a raving lefty? Shouldn't you be ranting against The Man?


JG: As a white American male age 18 to 39 who makes the lifechanging and resource-wasting decision to bathe on a semi-daily basis (I like my endangered seabirds oily, not my skin), I have been fully co-opted into The Man.

We, The Man, are legion.

There is no escaping. I tried very, very hard to be a screaming lefty. I had the full sense that the world should do its best to deserve me by providing me a living and honor my exceptional talents as well as breeding me with the finest stock. But I got lost along the way and decided I should actually earn all that.


TB: You've chosen the hard road, friend. Worst purchase you've ever made?


JG: That goddamn time machine. It only sent me to random Tuesdays. And not just random Tuesdays, but random Ruby Tuesday restaurants on Tuesdays. I hate Tuesdays so damn much.


TB: Rating the supermodels: name three you think you could take out in hand-to-hand combat.


JG: As a devil with the ladies, I've had many opportunities to discover the answer to that age-old question. Cheryl Tiegs, because she's old. Christie Brinkley, because, at least at one time, her idea of a real man was Billy Joel, and Fabio.


TB: Your cooking tips for drunks.


JG: Fast food or ordering delivery are your best hopes. My friends call drunken fast food "thwapugh" because one guy was so loaded, he went into a Burger King and that was all he could say. Learn one phrase you can say clearly when ordering and just learn to enjoy eating that.


TB: How would Maureen Dowd's fondness for stupid nicknames have manifested itself if Gore had won the 2000 election? Would Al be "Roboty the roboty robot", or what?


JG: Ah. MoDo. She wouldn't even be smart enough to use "Cow Tipper". She couldn't call Al "Junior" because, well, because he actually is one. The level the New York Times is at he might be "Stiffy". No, that's too clever. Dammit.


TB: How's your health? People worry, you know.


JG: When you refuse to see doctors, your health is always good.


TB: If Ted Rall had his feet chewed off by owls -- it could happen -- would this be a "Ha!" moment, or more of a "hee hee!" or possibly a "chortle"? I'm leaning towards "hee hee" myself.


JG: For myself it would be a more of a "Ha! Look everyone! This asshole got his feet chewed off! Let us laugh at him and make sport of his situation!"


TB: Provide, with as much detail as possible, your entire lifetime's involvement in competitive sports.


JG: I played soccer (I refuse to call it by any non-American term) from age 10 to 14. I was primarily a fullback and keeper. My theory as keeper was, "You may score, but I'm going to take your knees out in the process." It was in soccer that I got my first concussion when some toedick ass toe-punched me in the head. I also played basketball from age 10 all through high school. I used to try to elbow tall kids in the head for no other reason than that they were tall and I was not. It was over this period that I shredded pretty much all the ligaments in my left ankle requiring it to be reconstructed when I was 19. I tried football and baseball, but was a colossal failure at both. Yes. I know everyone will be shocked to hear that.


TB: Tell the readers where you've lived. Some of them probably want to take the Juan Gato US Heritage Tour.


JG: I was born in Hutchinson, MN, but had the good sense to leave when I was one. I lived in Tacoma, WA until I was 5. Then Auburn, WA until I was 9. Then Mission Viejo, CA from 9 until 14. Riverside, CA from 14 until almost 19. Lake Geneva, WI from age 19 to 24 (with college in Mankato, MN). I lived in Redmond/Kirkland, WA from age 24 to 26. Chesterfield, MO since then. Where I'll live tomorrow? Who knows!


TB: The ladies, Juan ... what's the issue here?


JG: The issue is there is only one of me and so many of them. I have to be very careful not to choose just one. I did that a couple times, and the riots were unpleasant. Even if I Hef-it and pick seven or so, the rest still go mad. It's a curse, sometimes, to be me.


TB: This war against terror thing seems to be in all the papers lately. You given it much thought? How do you think it'll turn out?


JG: I refuse to acknowledge that there is terror. I will not participate in the lies. Any of these so called "terrorists" will not and cannot harm me because I have opted out of the whole thing. A construct cannot harm me once I have rejected it. Therefore I cannot say how it will turn out as I now know it doesn't exist.


TB: Bet you can't beat "Hawkesbury River Lovin'" by Australia's John Williamson as the worst song title of all time. This is a serious bet. The loser will pay with his life.


JG: Hmmm...that is a good one. Best I can counter with is "Someone's Gonna Get Their Head Kicked In Tonight" by Fleetwood Mac. I really hate to hang my life on a Fleetwood Mac song. Actually, this may mark the lowest point ever in my life.


TB: Everybody has a funny story to tell about their worst-ever Christmas, so why don't you tell the readers about the cars you've owned instead?


JG: Yes. The cars I've had. '92 Pontiac Le Mans which I smashed up good during a snow storm with one of those accidents that no one believes after seeing the wreckage that you walked away from. '92 Geo Prizm (basically a Corolla) that I drove into the ground. '92 Nissan Sentra which I gave to my brother after he had his first kid in exchange for his '87 truck with 200,000 miles on it. And now a '98 Corolla. If I could get more boring, please let me know and I'll work on it.



TB: Which are you more likely to violate: the Third Law of Thermodynamics, or the Mann Act?


JG: I'm pretty sure it'd be Third Law of Thermodynamics. Too bad it wasn't which I'd prefer to violate. No, that'd probably still be the Third Law. Once I break free of that bastard, there'll be no stopping me.



TB: In conclusion, you may offer us your solution to the present Middle East crisis. (word limit: 3)


JG: Flowers, Hugs, and

SOMETHING BIG is happening in Staten Island. Fire, explosions. No news links yet.

2.21.2003

TO OSAMA BIN LADEN, from a fellow Muslim: go to hell.

HUMAN SHIELD Judith Menson answers her critics:


Interviewer: "Some criticize what you are doing, saying that as a 'human shield' you are working with Iraq."

Menson the pox-eyed jellyhead: "It's not up to any head of state to bring a leader to fall, no matter who he is. It is the task of the people."


These people are worse than appeasers. They're dictator-enablers.

WE RIGHT-WING wardogs have been deluding ourselves. We may have thought we'd covered every position on supporting the war, but all the while Webdiary reader Andrew O'Connell lay in wait, carefully honing his anti-war arguments into an utterly irrefutable presentation of the pacifist position:


Growing up in country NSW I once saw a huge funnelweb which scared the life out of me. Instinctively, I picked up a rock, took aim and threw. I hit my target, but the rock also ripped open the spider's nest. To a 10 year old it looked like I'd unleashed a swarm of hundreds of spiders spreading out in all directions.

For years after I had nightmares where the spiders spewing out enveloped me, my family and everyone I knew.

Ever since it's become clear that Bush, Cheney and the charming Rumsfield have decided to invade Iraq regardless of the consequences, the same horrible dreams have come back to haunt my nights again.


And there you have it. I defy anybody to find fault with this ingenious arachnid-based plea for reason.

2.20.2003

THE LATEST COLUMN in The Bulletin mentions Instapundit, House Republicans, Crocodile Hunter, Simon Crean, US ambassador Tom Schieffer, Iraqi charge d'affaires Saad Al Samarai, Alexander Downer, Patrick Omo, Mbeki Fab, notorious Rinso Joe, Ken Nichols O'Keefe, Shane Warne, Jana Wendt, Debi Enker, Cosima Marriner, and Hugo Kelly.

MIRANDA DEVINE takes on the idiots:


These are people who believe the US is more of a threat to world peace than Iraq or North Korea, and that the "cowboys" in the White House and Kirribilli House are more dangerous than Saddam. These beliefs require such a corrosive cocktail of ignorance and postmodern cynicism they soon rot whatever brain cells might have existed in the first place.


And Peter FitzSimons launches an idiot counter-attack:


We believe that of all the lessons the tragedy of September 11 demonstrated, the most salient is that just one person with enough white-hot hate in him can become a weapon of mass destruction all on his own.

We believe that in the wake of September 11, the only sane foreign policy for the US and all its allies to pursue is to examine just what caused that level of extreme hate, and act in a manner which will reduce it.


I hate Peter FitzSimons, yet how does he respond? By writing things that make me hate him even more! Why won't he act in a manner which will reduce it?

THE UN should be replaced with a fairer, more sensible international legal institution. We could call it "Australia":


Australia has emerged as the strongest supporter of America in the international debate on Iraq, telling the United Nations Security Council that it rejects giving weapons inspectors more time to disarm Saddam Hussein.

Australia was the only nation that used yesterday's special Security Council meeting to declare Iraq in "material breach" of UN resolution 1441, which set up the inspection regime.


REMEMBER ALL the worldwide protests when this happened?

GATHER YOUR BANNERS and hit the streets, peace lovers! Evil forces are planning to attack Iraq!


Taie said he hopes to leave his home in exile in Iran and join with thousands of fellow Iraqis ready to revolt against their repressive leader. They have been rallied to do so by the Supreme Council of Islamic Revolution in Iraq, a major Shiite opposition group based in Iran.

''We are confident we have the numbers and the strength inside Iraq to act, '' said Taie, 47, the Supreme Council's liaison with its mujahideen in Iraq. ''As a military man, I think Saddam is weaker than anyone can imagine.''


Stop them, people, before they get all the ooiiiiilll!

ANGELA BELL posts a compelling piece about her history of depression and associated disorders, and her increased anxiety following Sunday's peace march in Sydney. I'll excerpt a small part, but you should read the whole thing:


A large part of my mental illness has been fear of the collective, in the sense of how people behave when individuals surrender their personal judgement to the mass and let collective emotions take over. I have been on the wrong end of that and it damaged me for life.

You see it at rallies and marches where participants get high with a little help from their friends, and where - as last Sunday - a lot of hatred is expressed, if not by everyone. And these elated people go back to their normal lives with a heightened sense of power and unrepaired critical faculties, because they don’t want to weaken the comforting blanket of the collective.

There is a collective mind at work now and I find it frightening. The best thing is to remain silent; you can't argue against a horde.


Well, you can, but only if you can cope with the horde's mindless, hostile response. Angela suffers a far more acute form of the same aversion many of us feel when faced with a howling herd. I can't imagine what it must be like to view Sydney through her eyes this week. Hang tough, Angela.

FROM TODAY'S NY POST:


Sacre bleu! French President Jacques Chirac has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Chirac, a leading opponent of war with Iraq, was one of 150 nominees, including rock star Bono and Pope John Paul II.

"I guess people think he's [Chirac] in the lead of postponing of the war in Iraq," said a spokesman for France's embassy in Washington, who weaseled out of giving his name.


I blame Dave Barry for the weasel explosion. Years before Groundskeeper Willy, Barry wrote a column (pre-Net, no link) exposing one of his wiliest writing tactics: if a sentence isn't funny enough, simply insert a weasel. And Dave is right; it works every single time.

Which is why I would never employ such an obvious gambit.

ACCORDING TO this weasel poll, 25% of Melbourne Age weasels want Bob Brown to lead us in wartime. Don't shoot the trees, men! Pick up all your spent cartridge shells for recycling! And use public transport! Weasels!

PAMELA BONE will be busted down to the copy desk if she keeps coming up with lines like this, in The Age:


Why is the indignant pity the peace marchers feel for the people of Iraq expressed not at their long-term oppressor, Saddam Hussein, but at George Bush? … a truth does not cease to be true just because it is stated by somebody one dislikes … I envy the moral certainty of the peace protesters.


Whose number no doubt included many of her Age colleagues.

Q: Why did France give the Statue of Liberty to America?

A: Because the French had no further use for it. Chirac's Pack is now being railed at after their anti-liberty attempt to bully the Good Europeans into silence:


Eastern European countries reacted with fury and dismay yesterday after being summarily ordered by France to hold their tongues on Iraq and toe the Franco-German line of resistance to the US.

"They have as much right to speak up as Great Britain or France or any other member of the European Union today," said Tony Blair, a champion of eastwards expansion. "They know the value of Europe and America sticking together."


THE CANADIAN Red Cross has launched an emergency appeal for donations to help the flood victims in Badger, Newfoundland. Go to Damian Penny's site for more flood news, and besides that for general all-round greatness.

HAPPY BULLETIN READER Jason Cakebread cc's me his note to editor Garry Linnell:


Some time back, in one of your opening editor's notes, you 'declared war on bad writing.' After wading through rather too many of the Bulletin's meanderings of recent years, but also enjoying much of your writing published elsewhere, I rejoiced. All power to you. An Australian publishing icon restored to its rightful glory.

So far there has been a marked improvement in the magazine. The reportage and story selection has been sharper and punchier.

And then you went and hired Tim Blair. A bad idea. I'm sorry, Mr Linnell, but his column is unreadable as I'm certain you would agree; sloppy, lazy, unfunny and not even mindlessly provocative in the style of the tomato right he seeks to cultivate. He desperately wants to be Mark Steyn but has none of the wit and style.

Its not a matter that I don't agree with him. I like my slab of red meat too. But its just that there's nothing to agree or disagree about. Its purely and simply bad writing. Your war is a just one but to fight it, you need to have competent soldiers.


"Not even mindlessly provocative". Ouch. They’ll throw me out of the Tomato Right for that.

2.19.2003

JACK MARX, one of Australia's finest and funniest writers, is also one of the unluckiest. He found himself trapped last Friday amidst Melbourne's peace fantasists (who, it turns out, are not so peaceful after all). Jack e-mails:


Kellie's birthday happens to fall on Valentine's Day, and so it was weeks ago that I booked a table for two at the restaurant upstairs at Young and Jackson's in the city, specifically asking for a window seat (Kellie likes the view of Flinders Street Station, for some reason).

Imagine my horror when I realised we were sharing our romantic evening with 100,000 angry extras from Mad Max II. Aside from the obvious annoyance of having dancing skeletons and filthy fat 'angels' outside our window all night, every time I opened my mouth to say "I love you" in my most handsome tone, the words that appeared to come out were "Peace in our time!", courtesy of some megaphone-fondling fuckwit a few yards away.

I was dressed in a suit, Kellie in her slinkiest frock - obviously not protest attire - and thus we were roundly abused on no less than three different occasions, for having the temerity to enter the city for some other reason than to holler for 'peace'. On Valentine's Day. Speaks volumes, doesn't it?


Those abusive protesters are fortunate they didn't encounter Jack in his, er, less inhibited bachelor days. Not short of physical courage is our Jack.

HORRIFIC NEWS from South Korea:


134 bodies have been found in a subway train in South Korea following an arson attack today, a television station reported, quoting police.

MBC-TV said that one of its reporters went to the fire site with a gas mask and saw "dozens" of charred bodies in the cars.


Meanwhile Andrew Lloyd has been following developments in the Chicago nightclub disaster.

THOSE PEACE PROTESTS seem to have rattled at least one government – the only government the protests didn't attack:


Saddam Hussein was reported to have placed his Defence Minister and close relative, Lieutenant-General Sultan Hashim Ahmad al-Jabburi Tai, under house arrest in an extraordinary move apparently designed to prevent a coup.

Reports of General Sultan's arrest came amid signs of growing concern in Baghdad that the army, including the elite Republican Guard, might desert in the event of an attack on Iraq.


"Might"?

USUALLY MARGO blames a solitary, unnamed Yank for all the world's grief. Today it's a solitary, unnamed American:


World-wide publicity means terrorist cells across the world get the message to strike after the invasion of Iraq. This is the biggest downside of the American's failure to find Osama. And that failure is the biggest weakness in the American case for war.


And apostrophes are Margo's biggest weakness in her case for credibility. We're meant to take her seriously on matters of global complexity -- and she can't even punctuate? After, what, nearly two decades as a journalist?

UPDATE. Bill Quick is puzzled.

UPDATE II. Edward B. of NYC writes:


I am the American Margo Kingston was writing about.

I have been too busy working as a securities lawyer in New York City
and trying to spend some quality time with my wife and young son to really
dedicate myself to the search for Osama. My bad.


Since I don't know how to contact her, please let Margo know that I will try
to do better. Thanks.



THE BIG LOSER in Australia's debate over the war against Saddam? Simon Crean. Of course. Maybe Pauline should challenge for his job.

BOB DYLAN'S performance in Sydney on Monday night was preceded by Ani diFranco, who delayed Dylan's appearance on stage by 20 minutes while she read this poem:


yes,

us people are just poems

we're 90% metaphor

with a leanness of meaning

approaching hyper-distillation

and once upon a time

we were moonshine

rushing down the throat of a giraffe


Let's fast-forward about 40 lines from the drunken giraffe to Ani's thoughts on current events:


take away our playstations

and we are a third world nation

under the thumb of some blue blood royal son

who stole the oval office and that phony election

i mean

it don't take a weatherman

to look around and see the weather

jeb said he'd deliver florida, folks

and boy did he ever

and we hold these truths to be self evident
:
#1 george w. bush is not president

#2 america is not a true democracy

#3 the media is not fooling me

cuz i am a poem heeding hyper-distillation

i've got no room for a lie so verbose

i'm looking out over my whole human family

and i'm raising my glass in a toast

here's to our last drink of fossil fuels …


And so on, and on, and on. One woman stood and yelled "Bullshit!" about five times, according to my informant in the crowd. Most just prayed for an early death. I might post more of this tomorrow, if you readers displease me. Be warned!

UPDATE. Reader Christopher F. writes:


That horrible woman sang those words – it's apparently some kind of song – on my
favorite radio station perhaps a month after September 11th. The station remains my favorite because the lady DJ, as liberal as I am right-wing-loony, let the music settle a moment before saying, "I don't think I'm quite ready for THAT" and went on to another record. To my knowledge, they've never aired it again.


But thanks for bringing it up – there's another lesbian/talentless singer floating around the NYC airwaves these days and I was busy hating her for the World Trade Center song until, thanks to you, I realized I'd confused her with Miss diFranco.



2.18.2003

WHAT IS IT WITH THE ARABS? Robert Fisk is perplexed. Those ungrateful 'Rabs aren't lifting a finger to protect the murdering sons of bitches who've ruined their countries and destroyed their lives. Why, it's almost as if they want to be liberated:


Could anything be more pathetic than the Arab demonstration against war? A million Britons marched in London, more than half a million Spaniards in Madrid; 200,000 in Paris and New York. And Cairo? Well, just 600 Egyptians turned up in their capital to protest at America's forthcoming invasion of brotherly Iraq – surrounded by 3,000 security police.

What on earth is it with the Arabs? Of all people, they – and they alone – are likely to suffer in this American invasion of their homeland. They – and they alone – have the will and the ability to understand that this US military adventure is intended – as Colin Powell, the Secretary of State, frankly declared last week – to change the map of the Middle East.

Yet, faced with catastrophe, the Arabs are like mice.


Fisk notes that protests against the war increased in size relative to their distance from Iraq, and is utterly bewildered by this. He is the person for whom the phrase "Do I have to draw you a map?" was invented.

KEN LIVINGSTONE is nothing but a filthy scope creep.

I DON'T do requests. Gary Sauer-Thompson writes:


Tim, we are waiting for you to push things a bit. Why not call them the enemy within? Why not accuse those who marched against a war with Iraq of committing treason.

O, c-mon Tim. Don't disappoint us. Push that envelop beyond 'peace-lovin' idealists', 'Peace Mooks', 'chicken shits' etc. Transgress the boundaries by moving beyond comments like its the '' Iraqi people the crazy Left doesn't care about.' Move beyond being entertained by the absurdities of lefty life----the capering of the love pixies-----to scorning democracy. Let us see the neo-con snarl behind the entertainer.


Why would I call the marchers anti-democratic or enemies or treasonous when they're merely stinky, stupid, and socialist? Still, I hate to leave you empty-handed, so here's John Pilger calling three elected leaders "enemies", a bunch of lefties calling George W. Bush and John Howard "anti-democratic", and Bob Brown saying that Howard is "acting against the interests of the people". That enough democracy-scorning for you?

AT LAST IT CAN BE TOLD! Technical issues delayed this graphic and disturbing photo-essay by James Morrow, but the full illustrated story of the fire appeal money is now available. Again, many thanks to all who donated.

HAVING HAD a couple of days to consider the implications of the massive worldwide street protests and the apparent resurgence of the international Left, here is my response:

So?

They were only marches. Marching is all the Left has, well, left. They've abandoned argument for low-impact aerobics. Oh, they have slogans too; trouble is, two plus two doesn't equal five, no matter how many people turn up at a park to tell you so.

The high turnouts didn't surprise me much. It isn't as if the Left hasn't had years of practice organising the old shout 'n' stomp. Forming gangs is their thing. So is the idea that weak arguments can be improved by yelling them loudly while walking about. I've experimented with this at home:

Weak argument: "Two-month-old milk is OK to drink."

Result: "BLEEEURGH!"

Weak argument shouted over and over while marching in circles in my living room: "What do we want? Foul, curdled, rotten milk! When do we want it? NOW!"

Result: "Gak! BLUUUURG! Ewww!"

Thus I'm less of a mind to take the marches as seriously as did Andrew Sullivan, although I agree with the general points of his summary:


I think yesterday's massive marches represent something deeply, deeply corrupt in the soul of the left: a form of Western self-loathing that, unless it is resisted, will lead not just to tyranny for more people in the Middle East, but for the slow erosion of Western freedom itself in the face of terror. The only response is resistance. Not from the governments in Washington and London; but from the rest of us. The lies must be challenged day by day, hour by hour. The self-hatred must be countered with calm recitation of the West's proud history; the excuses for tyranny opposed by a growing demand that the Arab world not be tool in the Western left's attempt to destroy Western freedom, but seen as a part of humanity that deserves the freedom that the rest of us enjoy. No justice. No peace. As the left used to say.



Dumb ideas die. And the ideas of many on the weekend's marches were so dumb as to be instantly self-extinguishing. That's why the marches will prove not to be a sign of gathering momentum, but a high point. That was the best they've got. From here on, the Left will slide. More sour milk, anyone?

JOHN PILGER identifies the enemy:


Journalist John Pilger praised those attending the rally as "true patriots" and "the democratic opposition" to a war in Iraq.

John Howard, George Bush and Tony Blair feared public opinion and had "every reason to be afraid" because they were "the enemy" and the protesters were the majority.


Leftist triumphalism is rare these days. Hearing it reminds you why the Soviet Union turned out the way it did. Also in the above linked piece is this comment from Genan Dadoun, a spokeswoman for the Muslim Women's Association:


"If we want to reduce the amount of terror in the world, we should do what Noam Chomsky said, and stop participating in the terror."


Yes. Yes you should.

THE INDY MORNING HERALD wants readers to send their favourite rally pictures. I've sent this, from Finland's Rally of a Thousand Lakes.

GEORGE W. BUSH is a relatively moderate Christian. Apparently Osama bin Laden was an equally moderate follower of Islam. Scary thought. Imagine if he'd been an extremist.

TWENTY-ONE DEAD in Chicago:


Hundreds of people stormed the exits of a crowded Chicago night club after a disturbance broke out early on Monday, killing at least 21 people and leaving many more injured, police said.

There were more than 1500 people in the two-storey Epitome Night Club on Chicago's South Side when someone released pepper spray or Mace into the air after 2am local time.


2.17.2003

BEYOND SATIRE: Neville Chamberlain's infamous 1938 delusion has become 2003's peacenik slogan. How perfect.

HEY, Margo:

There was no war "on Afghanistan". The country is Vietnam, not "VietNam". There is no "war in the mainstream press". What is "the atmosphere"? Sentences begin with a capital letter. The war in Afghanistan is well past the beginning phase. American troops are supported by Afghan troops. How do you keep your job, you dreadful hack?

THEY'RE NOT anti-war – they're pro-Saddam! Buried eleven paragraphs into the Sydney Morning Herald's lead report on yesterday's Australian pacifist parades is the angry peacenik response to Labor leader Simon Crean:


Mr Crean was shouted down when he said Iraq must be disarmed, and that this may require a war with UN backing.


The peace-lovin' idealists oppose the UN and want Saddam to maintain his weapons. Who exactly are the hawks in this debate?

JAMES MORROW is depressed about the Peace Mooks after this encounter with a neighbour:


"You going to The Walk?" he asked hopefully.

"Hell no! I'm going to Cole's [supermarket]!" I replied, laughing, having misread his question and assuming we would have a laugh about the great unwashed heading downtown.

"Oh, that's right! You're American!" he said, a roll of pennies clattering behind his eyes.


Peter Briffa in the UK is less perturbed: "Is three quarters of a million people with bellies as yellow as a field full of daffodils enjoying a day out in the smoke such a big deal?" No, it isn't. Moreover, the capering of the love pixies is a win/win; they're happy, and I'm entertained. Who needs Joe Millionaire? The peace movement's delusions are far more compelling. Wait until they discover that the handsome rich bachelor has spent his fortune on nuclear weapon research and nerve gas.

MEMO TO "MONTOMAN": When planning to send dumb and abusive anonymous messages it's a good idea to first send a test message to yourself. That way you'd discover that your real name is revealed in the "from" line. How's work going at the ABC, Monto? Say hi to John Birmingham for me.

Speaking of idiots and the ABC


On Saturday night, an ABC newsreader introducing a story by ABC political correspondent Jim Middleton said: "Well, there's support for Iraq tonight from the world's largest Muslim nation. Indonesia claims a war on Iraq would be a war on Islam."

As The Australian's columnist, Glenn Milne, reveals today, on hearing of the mistake, Middleton sought out Mr Howard in the lobby of the Indonesian hotel and apologised.

"I am bloody furious," Mr Howard told Middleton in front of his wife, Janette, going on to say the issue affected the national interest and Ms Megawati had privately assured him she did not regard Australia as anti-Muslim.

"I agree with the Prime Minister that the introduction was damaging to the national interest," Middleton said from Jakarta yesterday.


The ABC is trying to lure us into a global religious conflict. It should be shut down. In the national interest.

THE WOG BLOGGER is hitting some way-high notes lately, especially in this post about respecting international opinions. Read it all the way to the end. And don't miss the Ren & Stimpy reference that links to a story about the savage beating of a priest …

ATTENTION, PSY-OPS STRATEGISTS:


The Government should find out if Saddam tortures Beagles. That might have more effect than the fact that he tortures humans.


Nobody would march to protect a dog-botherer. It's only Iraqi people the crazy Left doesn't care about.

VAGINA DIALOGUE. Preppy Bitch enjoys a night at the theatre, where she learns that she is being oppressed:


I like my thongs. I have yet to find anything quite so comfortable. According to one of the monologues, thongs make vaginas angry. I'll tell you what mine wasn't angry while I was sitting there wearing a thong.


2.16.2003

I COULDN'T MAKE IT to today's March for Peace – too busy eating, sleeping, reading Achewood, etc – so I sent along my enthusiastic young intern, Margo Kingston. Here is her report:


It's awesome. The front of Sydney's march for peace arrived back at Hyde Park while tens of thousands of people were still waiting to join the march. We're talking twelve city blocks here. As I write, people are still leaving Hyde Park on the walk half an hour into the speeches at the march end!

A colleague who marched in Sydney in the 1985 Palm Sunday march (170,000 people) and the Sydney Harbour bridge walk for reconciliation (200,000 people) said it was even bigger. Some are saying 250,000, the biggest protest in Sydney's history. Some are saying it could be closer to 500,000!


250,000? 500,000? Big deal. The bridge walk for reconciliation attracted almost one million people, according to John Pilger, who never exaggerates. Today's cosy gathering managed only one quarter as many. (Pilger said at the protest that "this is one time in history when the sheer power of public opinion might well work." Has he never heard of elections?)


City shoppers were dumbstruck, hundreds lining the march route eyes wide, mouths open.


Possibly because of scenes like this. Check the kids with the US = Nazi Germany banner.


At the head of the protest marched three old, battle scarred men of Australian politics - Laurie Brereton, NSW Labor right hard-man and an opponent of any Australian ground troops if the UN gives the US the tick, Green icon Bob Brown and Peter Baume, Fraser Government minister, all shouting "No war". The trio summed up the incredible diversity of people there.


Sure they did. Three old white guys, all of them career politicians.


It's easy to get carried away at the sight of the people of Sydney reclaiming the city to make their point, but something this big has to have an effect. As does a turnout of 5,000 in the country town of Armidale - a quarter of its population.


A fifth, actually. And Armidale is no typical sleepy country town; it's loaded with halfwit academics and creepy students.


It's now hard to see Labor finding a way to support the war if the UN doesn't endorse George Bush's war - even if only one country exercises its veto. Simon Crean wasn't scheduled to speak at any march this weekend, but it looks like the 150,000 people marching in Melbourne on Friday night changed his mind.


More opportunism from Spineless Simon. He believes in nothing, but at least he can count.


This weekend could be one of those "turning points", where suddenly the earth moves, the mood shifts, and politics is transformed in an instant.


Like when Castro took over Cuba, 44 years ago on this very day? Hooray for turning points!


The stage is set for a rip roaring political battle in Australia where the NSW election could become a defacto referendum on the war.


George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein will be monitoring events closely. The fate of the war could hinge on the seat of Clarence, currently held by Labor's Harry Woods with a 0.2% majority.


Howard's very legitimacy could be at stake if he defies public opinion to join a unilateral strike.


And Margo's internship is at stake if she fails to learn that, once joined, a unilateral strike is no longer unilateral.


Soldiers do not die for the Prime Minister, of for the Australian government. They agree to risk their lives for the Australian people. If the Australian people say no, there will be calls for the Senate to bring down a government which wishes to defy the people's will on war.


Sounds like Margo is calling for a coup. I'll have her jailed for sedition as soon as she returns to the office.

FORMER UN chief weapons inspector in Iraq and Australian ambassador to the UN Richard Butler in today's Sunday Telegraph:


We now see the battle in the UN Security Council is more about the uses of American power than it is about disarmament of Iraq.

The "opposition" was led by France's Foreign Minister, Dominique de Villepin. In a brilliantly crafted speech, de Villepin rejected the central American proposition that military force was needed to disarm Iraq.

The Frenchman wasn't just rejecting the US gun pointed at Iraq but, more significantly, the gun pointed at the UN.

An astonishing event took place as he finished his speech. Against all the rules, and in an unprecedented way, the packed security council chamber erupted in applause. That applause, like the shot that sparked World War I, was heard around the world.


It was the sound of the United Nations shooting itself in the head.

THE UNunwanted, unloved, unneeded:


A security alliance with the United States is more important strategically for Australia than an alliance with the United Nations, Australia's prime minister said Sunday.

Howard reiterated his commitment to following the U.S. lead and called the security alliance between the two countries ''the ultimate guarantee'' in security.

''I have a great respect for the U.N. but I'm unwilling to utterly sublet Australia's foreign and security policy to the U.N.,'' he said.


Simun Crean, of course, would defer to the UN at every opportunity. More on this in my next column in The Bulletin. (By the way, please send all letters about my columns – pro, con, whatever – directly to The Bulletin rather than through this site. Traffic is getting out of control here.)

IT'S ALL ABOUT PERTAYTERS:


Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams has criticised the Republic's government for not speaking out against war on Iraq.

He said his party's experience of the Irish peace process had shown that dialogue and negotiation were the best way to resolve conflict.


"Dialogue" and "negotiation" are apparently IRA codewords for "kneecapping" and "nail bombs".


Mr Adams - speaking ahead of tomorrow's anti-war demonstrations - urged tens of thousands of people to join in the marches through Belfast and Dublin.

"Sinn Fein is to the fore in the campaign against this war because we do not believe it is justified," he said.

"If war is to be declared, it should be a war against poverty and for equality."



And to cleanse Mudder Oirland of the Protestant filth, to be sure, to be sure. The worldwide alleged "peace" movement contains more criminals and terror apologists than you'd find in Yasser Arafat's Rolodex.

E-MAIL troubles persist. I can receive mail at my usual address, but not reply. So send here instead.

BALTIC BLOG has a first-hand account of the frenzied antiwar demonstrations in Estonia.

IF SOMEONE who supports war but doesn't fight is a chickenhawk, what do you call someone who supports human shields but doesn't join them in Baghdad?

Noam Chomsky is chickenshit.

"AMERICAN SLANG comes in approximately 500 flavors," writes John "Toastdog" Owen, of historic Salem, MA. "Many of them are represented here, and not exactly coherently. This assignment was harder than it appeared. Australian people talk funny." John has translated, almost entirely, David Penberthy's Australianoid war analysis. It's a remarkable work, and wins whatever prize I didn't offer:



The people of Australia are neither wimps nor weenies. It should by now be obvious that Saddam Hussein thinks we're both and, frankly, I'm just about ready to smack that ass & call him my biyatch.

That stand-up guy over at the UN, Hans Blix, has rolled into Baghdad for a look-see only to be fed a line of bull by a bunch of minor-leaguers who insist that, apart from a couple zipguns, his arsenal of weapons amounts to jack squat.

To you, Saddam, I say: 'Don't fake the funk. We've been down this road before, and you're in for a world of hurt unless you straighten up and stop taking the freedom-loving world for a ride.'

The President was asked whether Australia is part of the coalition of the willing. Fucking-a, we are! We're locked and loaded. Ready to rumble. Got our game face on.

That said, we're not ready to get it on just yet, and still believe that a little one-on-one can fix the situation – but only if Saddam is ready to be for real.

We see little point, however, in adopting the Ben Dover position taken by some of the continentals.

Tony Blair has been solid, even if the average dentally-challenged individual on the street could go either way.

But France and Germany are living the lie and apparently don't know their ass from their face. This is hardly surprising, as both nations have been getting smacked around like a narc at a biker rally in recent years.

Many of you will be familiar with my homeboy Alexander Downer and his doctrine of punked-out countries.

Today I expand that doctrine to include another category – the Sex In The City-watching, let's-play-dress-up-and-talk-about-our-feelings-ooh-ooh-is-that-ice-cream states of Western Europe.

The Surrender Monkeys, with their history of playing both sides against the middle, only to weasel their way out of an asswhupping, and the Krauts, who brought us all that trouble back in Dubya-Dubya-Two, are weak sauce in the face of the global smackdown to come.

To the Europeans I say – you get what you give. Unless you get in the game – and fast – you will be jacked, slapped, and turned out on the corner faster than a crack whore fresh from the free clinic.

In the coming throwdown, I would also stress to our Muslim friends that it's alllll good. We tight.

My government has been trash-talked by Pinkos for stepping into settle [untranslateable gibberish; is mercury part of the Aussie diet?] – but they're a good crew and I would be more than happy to kill a few cans with any of them should they be in the 'hood, provided that the poindexters are fine with it.

Any war will be nothing but good for the people of Iraq who have been been taking it far too long from this thug-lifing player-hater who has tried to sweet-talk the world while going all Ted Bundy on his own citizens and neighbors alike.

Time is moving on, Saddam. Get with the UN's demands and everything will be chill. Keep dicking around and we'll come over there and beat you like a red-headed stepchild. And you, Saddam, will take a dirt nap.

To those domestic piss-and-moaners who accuse me of trying to start something – particularly Simon Crean and his cadre of idiotarians, who have given the [again, untranslateable. I blame sunspots] I warn that you are playing right into the hands of a man who would give rabies to a junkyard dog. I trust this clarifies the Australian position.

I would now like to like to invite the President back to my crib to chill with a phat bowl of primo cheeba and a sixer of Bud pounders. South Park is on tonight, and I got scrambled porn too.

I understand he is a twelve-stepper and may not be able to tie one on anymore. In these troubled times, however, we should allow ourselves a couple of cold ones ones on the down-low.

I'd like to give a shout out to all'y'all who’ve been holding it down from the start, y'all keeping it real, I got mad love for y'all. Haters be haters, cuz they can't play the game. Yankees Suck. Red Sox Rule!


Many other bonzer ripper grouse translations are presented below.

MICHAEL MOORE'S forum is still down, writes reader Joe H., even as we approach another Racist War for Oil. Maybe Moore is a CIA spook. Why else would he so aggressively stifle dissent and silence the voices of revolution?

Q: WHAT'S THE difference between the Sydney Morning Herald and Indymedia?

A: Indymedia doesn't carry any advertising. And the writing is probably better. Following is the Herald's preview (printed in the SMH weekend tabloid Sun-Herald) of today's Sydney Pacifist Parade:


It's being dubbed the protest for the apolitical, the anti-war walk for those who usually don't wave banners, write letters to newspapers or lobby governments.

Today at least 100,000 people are expected to gather in Hyde Park North to protest against Australia's involvement in a US strike against Iraq - and for some it will be their first protest.

Liberals, trade unionists, religious leaders, professionals and university students will form an unusual alliance to send a clear message to Prime Minister John Howard: No war in Iraq.

It will be the biggest rally in Sydney since up to 250,000 people walked across the Harbour Bridge in support of reconciliation and the biggest anti-war march since the Vietnam protests.

Australians will be joining an estimated 10 million people in 600 cities today as part of global demonstrations against a war in Iraq. It is anticipated that the marches will be the largest ever for a single cause.


And all the Herald staff will be there, handing out copies of their rag like common activists. The editor will probably be in charge of the mandatory Oversized George W. Bush Puppet (And Related Right-Wing Marionettes) Collective.

HOW GOOD are Professor Bunyip and Damian Penny? So damn good that you should visit them right now. Be alert for hideous mutants and Phillip Adams.

I CAN'T load pictures on here, so go to Bernie Slattery's site to see the special weasel edition of the New York Post. All hail Col Allan!

CAR-HATING commie Ken Livingstone is destroying London.

TRANSLATION-O-RAMA! David Penberthy's Australian-language version of the case against Saddam inspired many translation attempts, including several rendered in regional US dialects. We begin with Scott Wilcox's relatively straightforward take:


The President was asked whether Australia is part of the coalition of the willing. My oath (damn right) we are. We're as willing as buggery (fucking right we are). As billio (sure thing). We're as willing as all get-out (sure thing).

That said, we are not yet dead-set for a stoush (fight), and still believe that an honest yarn (the truth) can sort out this barney (fight) - but only if Saddam is true blue (tells the truth) about it.

We see little point, however, in adopting the shirt-lifting (weak) position taken by some of the continentals.

France and Germany are an absolute cotcase (sick and hopeless), a hopeless bloody rabble (bums). This is hardly surprising, as both nations have well and truly got the runs on the board in the showpony (all show, no go) stakes.

Many of you will be familiar with my colleague Alexander Downer and his doctrine of the busted-arse (defeated) countries.

Today I expand that doctrine to include another category - the up-themselves (conceited) purse-swinging (poofda) states of Western Europe.

The Frogs (French), with their history of having a bob each way (betting on each side), only to bludge (cop out) their way out of strife (trouble), and the Krauts (Germans), who brought us the maddest bastard and biggest dust-up (fight) of the 20th century, but come the raw prawn (slap) in the face of a comparable global shemozzle (fuck up).

To the Europeans I say - fair suck of the sav (suck my dick). Unless you lift your game (start doing better) - and quick smart (right now) - you will be found standing, dacked (pants down), before world opinion.

In the coming donnybrook (fight), I would also stress that we have absolutely no worries (no problems) with the Muslim peoples of the world.


Reader Phil translated Penberthy's piece into Texan rather than pure English, "because fewer things have to be changed that way":


The President has asked whether Australia is part of the coalition of the willing. Damned straight we are. We're as willing as a drover in a cathouse. As willing as a bitch dog in heat. We're as willing as all get out.

That said, we are not yet dead-set for a knock-down and drag-out, and still believe that some straight talk can sort out this goat-fuck, but only if Saddam drops the bullshit.

We see little point, however, in grabbing our ankles, as some of them Yurpeens have.

France and Germany have gone tits up, as hopeless as chickens with their heads cut off. This is hardly surprising, as both nations have dogs in the trophy hunt.

Many of you will be familiar with my colleague Alexander Downer and his doctrine of busted-ass countries.

Today I expand that doctrine to include another category - the pussified states of Western Europe who think they hung the moon.

The Frogs, with their history of fence-straddling, only to skedaddle away with a picket up their ass when it comes to a scrape, and the Krauts, who brought us the craziest bastard and the biggest dust-up of the 20th century, but when faced with a comparable global shit-storm try to tell us that the turd in the punchbowl isn't there.

To the Yurpeens I say - fair warning. Unless you pull up your socks - and right quick - you'll find your ass hanging out in the face of world opinion.

In the coming donnybrook, I would also stress that we have absolutely no beef with the Muslim peoples of the world.



From Michael Totten:


The President was asked whether Australia is part of the coalition of the willing. Damn straight we are. As willing as horndogs in heat.

That said, we are not yet locked and loaded, and still believe some back-room deal might be struck - but only if Saddam cops a plea.

Many of you will be familiar with my colleague Alexander Downer and his doctrine of the ass-kicked nations.

Today I expand that doctrine to include another category - the heads-up-their-ass walking-victim states of Western Europe.

The cheese-eating surrender monkeys, with their history of giving blow-jobs to the enemy, only to be bailed out by their parents, and the Krauts, who brought us the Prince of Darkness and the biggest cluster-fuck of the 20th century, are now half-baked yellow-bellies in the face of a similar world-wide hairball.

To the Europeans I say - stick this in your pipe and smoke it. Unless you get your shit together - like yesterday - you'll be riding to work on the special bus.



Beth Blighton sends a particularly graphic version:


The President was asked whether Australia is part of the coalition of the willing. Damn straight! You bet your ass! We'll be there, balls to the wall with ya, baby!

That said, we are not spoiling for a fight. We do not yet have blood in our eye. And we still believe that with some straight talk, we can pull everyone's asses out of the fire on this one -- but only if Saddam will climb off the back-end of that goat and get serious about this disarming thing.

We see little point, however, in adopting the "I'll bend over, just don't do me dry!" position taken by some of the continentals.

In the coming dust-up, I would also stress that we have absolutely no problem with the more peaceful camel jockies of the world. The rest...? HOO-AH! Your ass is glass!



Out of Bonney Lake, Washington, comes Tim Smith's middle-class West Coast translation:


France and Germany are a joke. Their lame opinions are hardly worthy
of comment since Saddam's undies were found in their glovebox.


I want to expand Alexander Downer's doctrine of "the busted ass"
countries to include another category: "the faggoty head-up-their-own-asses
irrelevant countries" of Western Europe.


The French traditional policy of kissing ass with every tin pot
dictator they meet, then giving the finger to those who liberate them. and the Germans, whose long history of pacifism and tolerance gave us Hitler
and genocide, have once again shown their true colors by working
overtime to stick a knife in the back of those who wish to protect them.


To the Europeans I say - unless your testicle transplant arrives by
FedEx today - you'll be left scratching your ass and gumming your food
while the rest of the world looks on and laughs.


Let me emphasize that our war is not with the vast majority of Muslims but with those contemptible bastards who have mistaken barbarism for works of righteousness and equate tolerance with permission to incinerate innocent women and children.



Ken Summers employed the services of friend Cletus, who has seen all three Crocodile Dundee movies and is therefore his region's leading Australian-language scholar:


We're as willing as buggery. [Unclear, appears to mean "happy to shove a missile up his ass"]

As billio. [Untranslatable]

We see little point, however, in adopting the shirt-lifting position taken by some of the continentals. [Appears to refer to the French custom of running a white shirt up a flagpole in lieu of a flag]

Unless you lift your game – and quick smart [Translator burst out laughing and ejected beer out his nose, apparently from the use of "quick" and "smart" in reference to Europeans. Translation process interrupted for several minutes]

You will be found standing, dacked, before world opinion. [Uncertain. "dack" = "noose"?]


Jim Rome is, according to Dave Schipani, the most popular syndicated sports-radio host in the States. Here's Dave's Romese variation:


Thanks for the vine. So dude asks Pimp-in-the-Box-in-Chief if the Aussies are rolling with this crew. Hell yeah. Damn straight. We got your back. Already got some SAS red-asses ready to pop Saddam in the grill. See him talk smack while he's spitting out his chiclets.

I mean, we're not so jacked for throwing down that we won't listen if he drops the smack and starts keeping it real. Doesn't mean we're going to roll over like the French and the Germans.

What is up with that? What, France hasn't had enough of Germany after three bitch-slappings? Now they wanna be tight? Can France not wait for the Germans to start another war with them before they collaborate? "Gee, Jacques ... it's been, like, 50 years since we surrendered to the Germans. What should we do?" "Uh, I dunno, Pierre ... can we just bitch up now?" "Sweet!"

Gotta gave France its props, though. They're the Orenthal of countries. They can lop off a couple domes and still end up on the golf course looking for the "real killers." And the Nazis can roll up sick numbers on their neighbors – twice, like Rosie O'Fat in a donut factory – and then make like freaking Gandhi.

Europe - SACK UP. As far as Muslims go – hey, we're good. Out!


Joseph Latino's fine translation can be boiled down to two tasty paragraphs:


The less significant these weasel nations become, the more desperate they are to assert themselves, even to defend a fascist theocracy that would destroy them.

If you bastards are not going to help, then get the fuck out of our way. Europussies.


New York City's Brian Dalton be baaaad, yo :


Prez be all like: you down? you my nigga? And I'm all Hell Yeah. Down wid a discount. All that and a dimesack. And a payback. Holla. Check it: all y'all gots to reckanize the way 'round throwin' down: sucka m.c Saddam gotta step up. But punk-out on the frog-tip? Ain't going out like that. (word)


Word. Peter Faris ran Penbo's piece through a web translator, first into Italian then into English, to deliver these results:


That it said, we is not dead series for a stoush, and nevertheless believes that a honest thread can separate this barney but only if Saddam is true dark blue of it.

To the European one I say just succhia of the sav. Unless she lifts its game and swift intelligent she will be found to stand, dacked, before world.


Pancho admits to spending a brief time in Australia during his younger days ("I was mostly drunk"), and retains some comprehension of Aussie phraseology:


The President was asked whether Australia is part of the coalition of the willing. My oath we are. We're as willing as buggery.

Australia has a prime minister who is willing to fight terror and Aussies are prepared to perform strange sex acts to show their support for him.

That said, we are not yet dead-set for a stoush, and still believe that an honest yarn can sort out this barney – but only if Saddam is true blue about it.

War can be averted, but Aussies will not eat Iraqi "stoush" to achieve it, and this depends on Barney who knits.

We see little point, however, in adopting the shirt-lifting position taken by some of the continentals.

France and Germany are an absolute cotcase, a hopeless bloody rabble. This is hardly surprising, as both nations have well and truly got the runs on the board in the showpony stakes.

French women are showing their tits for peace, but are unorganized and besides they look like nags.

The Frogs, with their history of having a bob each way, only to bludge their way out of strife, and the Krauts, who brought us the maddest bastard and biggest dust-up of the 20th century, but come the raw prawn in the face of a comparable global shemozzle.

The French are basically cowards and the Germans only like wars that they start over seafood.


Peter Murray has Australian in-laws. He writes: "I can understand them through the first through third drinks, inclusive. After that, all bets are off." His translation, with altered terms in caps:


The President was asked whether Australia is part of the coalition of the willing. WE WISH TO AFFIRM MOST STRENOUSLY THAT THIS IS THE CASE.

That said, WE HAVE SOME RESERVATIONS ABOUT THE AFFAIR, and still believe that DIPLOMACY MAY STILL BE POSSIBLE - but only if Saddam is TAKING HIS MEDICATION.

We see little point, however, in adopting the SPINELESS position taken by some of the continentals.

France and Germany are ACTING IN AN INSENSIBLE FASHION. This is hardly surprising, as both nations have LEADERS WITH OBTUSE MOTIVES AND CYNICAL APPROACHES TO GOVERNANCE.

Many of you will be familiar with my colleague Alexander Downer and his doctrine of the INEFFECTUAL countries.

Today I expand that doctrine to include another category - the INTENTIONALLY INEFFECTUAL OR EXTRA-STUPID states of Western Europe.

The Frogs, with their history of INTERNATIONAL ANTAGONISM, only to RENEG ON THEIR OBLIGATIONS OR SURRENDER AT THE FIRST SIGN OF TROUBLE, and the Krauts, who brought us HITLER and the biggest DECLARED WAR of the 20th century, but TURN HIPPIE WHEN THEY SEE THEIR OWN NATIONAL NIGHTMARE APPEARING SOMEWHERE ELSE.

To the Europeans I say - I AM IRRITATED BY YOUR STANCE. Unless you CHANGE YOUR POSITION - IMMEDIATELY - YOU FACE ULTIMATE IRRELEVANCE AND INTERNATIONAL HUMILIATION. EVEN PARAGUAY WILL MOCK YOU.

In the coming STRIFE, I would also stress that THIS IS NOT A WAR ON the Muslim peoples of the world.


Excellent, and very accurate. Thanks to all who answered the call.